Well, blow me! THE HOFF is now back on the bike after getting a dose of something very nasty in Eastern Europe. Strangely, in a style of Rip Van Winkle, checked the lycra drawer to find that a burglar has broken in and swapped the gear with a much smaller size. Anyhow, managed to squeeze in the gear and got out on the road to find out that the kit is out of date anyway! Time to get out the cheque book and get some miles in. See you on the road soon.

The HOFF is now subject of a copyright enquiry from an office in

Beverley Hills, CA.

All material has been suspended until further notice.

HOFF OUT FOR 2 MONTHS

Back after TT - don't bother checking the page - get back to doing some work.

FAR'Q HOFF STAR RIDER PICTURED TONIGHT!

Young Timmy Kennaugh was pictured in 'focussed mode' tonight in Jurby.

Fans can see 'TK' at a quality high class goods shop in the high street during the day time. When away from Curpheys, TK can be found playing crown green bowls or tending to his Bonsai tree collection. 

SHEIKH FAR'Q AND HIS MATES CELEBRATE!

The Sheikh revels in his personal cycle team reigning over all in Manx cycling. He was quoted as saying 'The Cook man has the freedom of my pet goat for his latest win. As for the Posse, the Fatwa I had sworn against that outfit has gone into the office shredder. By the way, the new kit is in the post'.

TEAM POINTS CONFIRMATION

1ST. ANDREW COOK - 10,000PTS

2ND. MARTY VAN WARRENS - 7,000

3RD. CAVEMAN - NUTS AND BERRIES

OVERALL STANDINGS

1.FAR'Q HOFF RACING TEAM - 46,000PTS

2.BIKESTYLE BANDITS - 36, 000

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LAST PLACE......POSSE -7,000PTS

FAR'Q HOFF RACING TEAM - NEWS FLASH

Andrew Cook served up an a la carte performance on Sunday in the Fletcher Trophy. A 5 Michelin star style performance resulted in a Posse Spit Roast.

Results to follow - Far'q Hoff Racing Team News Agency is currently offline.

Major Sponsorship Deal Announced

Sheik Far'q

HOFF RACING TEAM have years of racing nostalgia behind them. The membership have developed a brand name and ethic that is the envy of other cycling 'outfits'.

To send the team profile into hyper-space, Sheik Far'q has pledged to invest cash transferred via several banks from around the World's most obscure tax havens and support has been given to our team.

The Sheik has assurred that the funds will be wired into HOFF RACING TEAM'S account any day, but as the contract has been signed. The new team name has to be adopted immediately.

Ladies and Gentlemen, would you please welcome to Manx Cycling...............

............FAR'Q HOFF RACING TEAM.

Team kit will be available once the design has been agreed with our kit suppliers at Peacocks.

Tour of the Middle - Unofficial Cycle League Results

1. Andy Roche (unatt)

2. Steptoe - Posse - 7,000pts

3. Marty Warren - Bikestyle - 5,000

B Race Result

1. Russell Collister - HRT - 10,000

2. Graham Stigant (unatt)

3. John Marchmant (unatt)

League Placings

HRT - 36,000

Bikesyle - 29,000

Posse - 7,000

KEEP POSTED FOR NEWS OF MASSIVE SPONSORSHIP DEAL

RUSS PICTURED AFTER WIN

HANDICAP RACE TEAM RESULTS

Hoff Racing congratulate Bikestyle's Marty Warren for his superhuman win. This places him and Bikestyle near the top of the unofficial Road Racing League.

Contractual matters concerning Chris Whorral's team position are being investigated by Hoff Racing's lawyers. Chris Whorral signed up for Hoff Racing in a local hostelry in 2008 and may have been subject of some poaching from a rival outfit.

1st Marty Warren (Bikestyle)  10,000pts

2nd Chris Whorral (Bikestyle or Hoff Racing? - TBD) 7,000pts

3rd Thomas Mazzone (Unattached) 5,000pts

4th Andrew Cook (Hoff Racing) 4000pts

Team Standings -

Hoff Racing Team - 26,000pts

Bikestyle             - 24,000pts

Posse                   - Zero

'TRAINING CAMP' 2009

HOFF Racing Team are away at a their tropical training camp. Might return in 2 weeks...

For more information about the posse trip, check link Posse Watch

Results Service

HOFF Racing got off to a predictable start to the 2009 season with our riders appearing in 1st and 3rd placings form yesterdays 2up

1st Place : Timmy Kennaugh   10,000 pts

2nd Place : Bikestyle Bandits  7,000pts

3rd Place : Andy Cook / Chris Nicko 5,000pts

The overall league table standings are as follows

Hoff Racing Team - 15,000 pts

Bikestyle Bandits - 7,000 pts

The Posse - Zero pts

THE TWO UP - Curtain Raiser for 2009

Check the results service for the 2009 season opener where Hoff Racing Team take on THE POSSE and Bikestyle Bandits. The official rules for UCL (Unofficial Cycling League) have been drawn up and 1000's of points are up for grabs.

More news to follow.

Posse training camp accommodation webcam here!

Check up on the boys antics here.

SHEIKH FAR'Q SIGNS UP MORE TOP RIDERS TO TAKE ON POSSE 'HAS BEENS'.

Posse riders are now heading for the hills of Spain as Hoff Racing takes on more high profile signings in time for the season's opener. Lucrative sponsorship deals have been made by Sheikh Far'q's financial representative, Al Stanford. 

More news to follow.........

POSSE TEAM PHOTO 2009

HOFF Racing have received the Posse team photograph for the 2009 season...

As you can see, the boys have been trying the 'out thin' each other over the winter period and between them they have lost a combined weight of over 20 stone.

Hoff Racing Consultant trainer, Albert Grapplethwaite and author of the famous training manual, 'The Grapplethwaite Method' has provided expert comment about the Posse Team's fanatical winter weight loss programme.

Grapplethwaite pictured at his home in the Ford Open Prison

'aye lad, too much of that poncey dieting over winter does more harm than good. Av' seen riders drop a stone or two over winter when you should be putting weight on. Colds and flu pick on the skinny ones, I've seen a few old timers go down big style coz they went mad on the fat free food. Usually it all goes tits up in February for them when the body is well and truly starved. Plenty of lard, pies and ale does the trick.'

HOFF RACING welcomes such expert comment - watch this space to find out more news about Prince Sheikh Far'q and the terrific sponsorship deal.

Breaking News - Identity of new team sponsor revealed!!!!

HOFF Racing is pleased to announce a new sponsor. After visiting Qatar and carefully negotiating a new contract with a wealthy sponsor, it can be revealed that Prince Sheikh Farq, the heir to a multi billion oil fortune has a keen interest in cycling. More news to follow....

Sheikh Farq

GET FASTER ------GET YOURSELF KETTLEBELL TRAINING

As recommended by 'Lance' Kettlebells are the new exercising phenomenon. Classes are to be held at The Salvation Army Citadel building, Douglas starting Monday 2nd February - 6pm-7pm and 7pm-8pm.

For further information contact Catreena Price - 490627 or catreenaprice@hotmail.co.uk

Thursday 22nd January 2009- Desert Billionaire to buy Hoff Racing Team

Information is filtering through from Al Jizzeera news agency that a yet to be named Saudi Sheikh is about to invest large wadis of dosh in Manx Cycling. Top riders are about to be bankrolled into signing up for Hoff Racing.

Watch this space.

 THE 'SHEIKH'......."I want to sign Keke, Hoff Racing will take the Posse to pieces"

Saturday 17th January 2009 - Posse Press Release Intercepted

Sources state that the Posse Brigade are in complete euphoria with the news that the Cycling Association have slashed race and club fees for 2009. This results in massive £1.50 is saved by every rider in every race.

Obviously, this means that Posse members will have more brass in their pocket to spend down the charity shop or in the Legion.

Ofcourse there is a Posse downside to this......its one less excuse to get grumpy about!

Saturday 10th January 2009 - Posse racing team member 'no more'

Doris the sheep may not have been known by many on the local cycling scene. She developed a passion for time trialling on the day of the Shoprite Challenge when she fell head over hoofs for a dashing Posse rider. You may recall the incident where one of our top testers was 'engaged' by a farmer for 20 seconds or so and it was at that point Doris newe that she had to join the famous Posse brigade. She fit the bill nicely, muttonesque and a little bit grouchy .

Doris got the training bug immediately and as she was already well known to the Posse team, many of them put her through some hard sessions.

 Doris and friends being chased by Posse Team

 Training Equipment

After months of intense action, Doris couldn't take the pace and was told her contract would not be renewed and she should try another team.

Doris couldn't handle the rejection and as it was the Christmas bank holiday, Bikestyle was shut and there was nowhere to go.

Hence, desperate measures were taken and the pain of rejection from the Island's second best team took its toll. With regret it is announced that Doris took her own life in a tragic display of loyalty for the 'Top Tester' she fell in love with on that sunny morning on the Mountain Road in September. The suicidal sheep leapt in front of a Posse car near Jurby crying 'baaastaaard' in her final act....the consequences were disasterous.

RIP DORIS

Tuesday 23rd December 2008 - Report from Winter Training Camp

HOFF Racing Team are currently based in their private Alpine retreat in Austria. Whilst being escorted to the chalet, it was noted that the Posse Ski School had just been opened next to the local bus depot. THE HOFF managed to take a few pics of the 'state of the art' ski store, ski lift and the head ski instructors....

Friday 19th December 2008

Hoff Racing wish one and all a Happy Christmas from the winter training camp at the The Berchtesgarden here in zee Alps. See you all in 2009. 

Thursday 4th December 2008 - Invite to Posse night out

Hoff Racing are delighted to announce that team members have been invited to The Posse Christmas Do at the Rover's Return this Saturday. The official starting time is 7.30pm and Hoff Racing members are encouraged to attend as supporting organisations such as Age Concern and Help the Aged at this time of year is most worthy.

To wet your appetite, here are some pics from last year's festive night out.....

Monday 17th November 2008 - POSSE TRAINING CAMP EXPOSED

A team of undercover reporters acting on behalf of HOFF Racing have discovered alarming evidence concerning 'The Posse Winter Training Camp'.

Riders are forced to stay in 'Guantanimo' conditions. Pictured is a so called 'luxury' villa.

Posse members are not extravagant enough to take their own bike on the plane, hence, a 'high quality' bike hire service is available...

Two of the 'big hitters' in the Posse are pictured arguing over how many climbs are planned for the day at breakfast in the villa....

Pete and Dave photographed 'sharing out' the bike hire equipment.

Pete tells Big Dave that he is the all time top veteran!

Keep a look out for HOFF Racing Team International training camp preview.

Saturday 15th November 2008 - Blow the lid off the Posse

HOFF RACING TEAM scouts have obtained exclusive material from 'The Posse' training camp. Obviously the photographs must be validated by our legal team first. Watch this page.

Wednesday 12th November 2008 - Brown Envelope

THE HOFF reports that the following script was posted covertly to HOFF Mansions recently. Some of the text appears to be in a code known only to those in the tri-athlon scene. Here it is....

Hard November training planned by the Posse!

Sunday 9th November 2008

THE HOFF has returned from the Priory and some interesting material has been left in the mailbox. Obviously, sources have to be checked and all information must resemble the truth in some way, shape or form before publication to the six or so readers who log on to this rubbish.

News concering a 'high profile' member of a rival racing team has been disseminated. Once video tape has been verified and legal advice obtained, then a full expose will be considered. Watch this page.

Saturday 1st November - Official Launch of HOFF RACING TEAM

THE HOFF RACING TEAM official launch at Mount Murray will be by ticket entry only. Understand the concept of unofficial team racing in 2009 at a lavish dinner and entertainment event at probably the best hotel in Santon. The team manager will be recruiting more talented riders to join this exciting outfit.

Fancy your chances? Some yet to be disclosed big names have been signed already.

The criteria? Looks, panache, bling bike and a degree of riding ability will fit the bill perfectly.

The goal? Scalp the Posse and Bikestyle boys.

Monday 27th October 2008 - THE HOFF SPYCOPTER DOSIER

The chopper was out for a thrilling ride on Saturday as a distress call from the Borrowdale Mountain Marathon had to be answered.The 'race' was held in apocalyptic conditions and several of these 9 stone bearded herberts got swept away with their Nordic walking poles and bars of Kendal Mint Cake in the storm.

Whilst flying in from Baywatch Towers that morning, the Spycopter Dosier was opened again as two riders were witnessed traversing Gansey in Tsunami like conditions. Ignoring their own safety 'because the programme says so', a classy tri-athlete was recorded sheltering behind an unmissable MVW rider.

Rider described as a 'lookalike cross between the guy off the TV and the nice footy manager of Middlesborough'.

Photofit of wider rider, believed to be a keen supporter of the local takeaway industry. 

IF YOU SEE ANY UNNECESSARY OCTOBER TRAINING - PLEASE REPORT TO hoff@manx.net

Saturday 25th October 2008 - Manx Road Club 70 Years Old!

Congratulations to the Manx Road Club for reaching 70 years old this month. Whilst trawling the internet in search of historic annals, (Check spelling) it became known that the Club of World Champions, Tour de France winners etc etc had entered it's 70th year.

In recognition of this and cycling in general, the Manx Viking Wheelers (the ones that wear the Shoprite stuff) are hosting a high quality dinner at the Mount Murray next Saturday evening for only 25 notes. THE HOFF urges all fellow riders to support the James Berry Sportive ride in the morning and have a jolly and possibly dehydrated alcoholic experience during the evening. 

WEDNESDAY 22ND OCTOBER 2008 - THE HOFF SPYCOPTER DOSIER

THE HOFF'S Spycopter has been out on flight patrol to detect and expose local riders who claim to have taken October off for a rest.

Yesterday evening during the hours of darkness, two riders were spotted out 'training' on the roads around St Marks. Lights were not illuminated in an attempt to evade detection, night vision image equipment was used succesfully as the targets were rather portly and travelling at a speed slow enough to be identified. (Possex2)

Desperate measures have also been taken to improve next years ten times, 'jogging' seems to be a favourite this week as riders have been sucked into believing that core strength and cross training actually has some benefit in 8 months time. Purchasing nuts and scoffing birdseed is also proving popular as a good way to lose weight for next season. Streuth!

SUNDAY 18TH OCTOBER - 'ON THE BUSES' SPECIAL EDITION

Fed up with the winter weather? No events or training planned?

Why not relive the 70's farce 'On the Buses' and join in the fun on an 'All Island' bargain bus tour?

Revel in the experience of cribbage and darts!

Get to travel economically at ONLY £15 per mile!!!

Meet the stunningly beautiful women of the West!

Sunday 12th October 2008

Unconfirmed reports from various unnamed cycling sources state that Neil Bellhouse has claimed victory in the inaugural Karpthing Singer + Friedlander Posse Championship 2008. As the news broke, the softly spoken and charismatic Yorkshireman celebrated in style with a mountainous plateful of pies at St John's Clubhouse today. However, the 2008 Posse Championship was a series shrouded in mystery this year as once Bellhouse took control of the General Classification, a Kremlin style news blackout was made on all media covering the event. Only a press release issued today from Mr Bellhouse himself, claimed that he has topped the series 'by a ******* mile'.

A presentation had been planned at the Premiere Icelandic Bank who had arranged an impressive 5 year sponsorship deal with the Posse Tour. Free pension advice was available to all Posse riders and Bellhouse stands to pocket a fine trophy, a silver carp replica and a £500 savings account at the local branch.

The Bank where the presentation will take place. Arrangements for a lavish presentation are due to be made when somebody answers the phone.

The 'Silver Carp' trophy replica. (National fish of Iceland)

THE NEIL BELLHOUSE RISE TO THE TOP - FACTFILE

Neil is around 40 and hails from a faraway and often violent place in England called Yorkshire. It is there, from the age of 5, everybody drinks bitter, keep pidgeons, worship Geoff Boycott, eat pies and make out they are a lot harder than everybody else. A young Bellhouse managed to escape the region and came to the Island in the 1980's as a refugee.   

Neil started cycling at an early age and archive material shows him in his first time trial at the Bradford Manningham Estate '10'.

Road Racing in Yorkshire was tough and was home to some of the most frightening courses. The 'Sutcliffe Nocturne' was particularly worrying when the term 'dropping the hammer' was mentioned in the Peleton.

The famous Leeds Crit Course

Neil has developed into a 'name' on the local cycling scene and is loyal to the MRC. Kitted out with some decent swag, the Yorkshireman can boast some fast times in local events. The pinnacle of his cycling career has to be joining the elite '22' club for the 10 mile catagory.

THE HOFF will continue to keep you posted on the alternative local riding scene. Watch out for the next edition containing product reviews and some red hot share tips.

Thursday 2nd October 2008

THE HOFF announces an exciting cycling book deal!!! A new publication named 'Ride faster than the Posse' is the first in a new series of Performance titles aimed at aspiring recreational athletes who typically train and compete against riders who can only be described as 'well past it'.

Written by THE HOFF and Dr Herpes, the book is aimed at cyclists, with specific reference to issues such as hiding the beer belly in a skinsuit, vans, coping with rapid hair loss, being grumpy and 'how can I train on Wednesday when its 10% off at B&Q?'

Performance: Cycling, includes a completely random training programme uniquely tailored to allow over eating and over drinking. Training phases, goal-setting, physiological assessment, principles of heart rate training, power creation and output, different levels of training and how and when to use them, nutrition, rest and recovery, tapering and over-training are NOT included. There is also a section on how to reduce your times in a simple, no nonsense method to get fast; simply splash out a few grand on a carbon bike and do some time trials in the UK on a downhill, wind assisted runway strip that your granny could post a sub 23.

Monday....

Alas, the season is nearly over and the curtain comes down on the Tholt y Will in the Fred Kelly Classic. I have to say that as a contender in this race, pushing a big effort along those roads reminds me of some memorable performances in the 1980's. The Tholt y Will was well known for being the most 'out of the way' pub in Manx History and the ambience of a Swiss Chalet style bar sent the ladies into a frenzy. The location of the place mean't any covert dating was achievable. Throw in the added zest of the Ford Escort XR3i, some Barry White on the car stereo and a long term stay in the Sulby Reservoir car park was assured.

Anyway, to give you a flavour of who may be appearing in the next road race, check this high quality piece of filming and enjoy an exciting climax to the 2008 Manx Road Racing Championship.